This is Why I'm Here   June 29, 2022

I came back from Migori just a few days ago. Mama brandy told me to get in touch with her brother who lives in the city. I had an appointment with him today at noon. I wasn’t sure what he did exactly. However, mama reassured me that he would help me secure housing upon my return next year. After an early morning meeting in the city, I decided to go ahead and walk to the next appointment. Google showed that the location was off Mombasa island and a couple hours away. If I started now, I might need to hitch a ride for the last little piece but I would make it right in time. There is always the option to take a tuk tuk around town, but those constant costs add up. Even when I speak Swahili. and negotiate as a local, the prices are still a bit more than I want to pay. Therefore, I try to walk whenever possible. 

So I began walking. walking in the city is not the easiest feat when you are light skinned. I get yelled at constantly. People see me skin and they associate it with money. So, every small shop or storefront yells for me to come buy their goods. Some people run down and try to block my path. Many people just yell out greetings and stare. Still, I prefer to walk. I get to experience every smell, noise, and sight that the city has to offer. I admit, my AirPods offer a relief from the constant shouting. But I still like to see all of the people and places as I pass. I walked through the city scape. I pass the Indian jewelers, the Muslim mosques, and the winding Safaricom lines. After an hour and a half, I realized that I needed to catch a ride to make it on time. I hailed one of the tuk tuk drivers who threw out a pretty hefty “white” price. I knew he was one of the only around, and I had to make it on time, so I agreed and hopped in. 

After about 30 minutes, we arrive. I ask him about Punja Hospital which should have been close by. He looked confused and said the hospital wasn’t here. After some confusing patches of Swahili and English, I find out that I was indeed in the wrong place. It turns out, the location I was looking for was all the way back on the island. It was actually about one block from the place I started two hours earlier. Not only that, but It was time for my meeting right then. I hurriedly asked the driver for the price to go all the way back. He threw out an absurd number, and I argued a bit. He knew that I was cornered. If you know me, then you will also know that I am not one to back down, especially when cornered. So I buckled down and let my pride rise up.  I told him to pull over and let me out. He argued that I had no other options as he was the only driver around. As he opened the door, He yelled that no one would offer a lower price. With a determined look and a righteous stomp out of that tuk tuk, I yelled back, “Then I'll Walk!”  He slammed his door in anger. As he drove away, I kept my determined look and pushed my shoulders back.  As soon as he rounded the corner I sat down... and sobbed. It wasn’t about the meeting. It wasn’t about the driver. I was just done. I was done with years of  trying, done with the countless endeavors and projects, done searching for a bigger purpose here, I was done with Kenya.

My mind raced back to the first trip when I was just getting my feet wet. It was ten years ago. I was young, eager, and optimistic. I came looking for a place of service. I wanted my own niche where I could help meet a need. But, here I sat on the curb, ten years later still looking for a specific purpose in this country. It felt as though the last two hours of walking in the wrong direction was the parallel to the last ten years. All the work and effort of the last ten years did not get me any closer to my goals. If anything, I was further away than if I had just sat still and don’t absolutely nothing. I wasn’t even good enough to compare myself to the Israelites. At least they circled mount Sinai rather than making a bee line in the wrong direction. 

I sat for a moment and then decided that I had no choice but to start walking back. I looked at my phone and I had service, so I called mom. Thank God, she answered. As I walked the winding roads through the crowded market, I pored out all my troubles while she quietly listened. I told her that it was pointless. I told her that I would be coming home in a week, and that this would be my last try to make something good here. Just training, just doing the day to day, just going to one meeting after another, it wasn’t enough. I had not found the thing I was looking for, and I was done trying. I would not try again. She listened. I breathed out every last fear and unmet expectation. Hot tears mixed with Kenyan dust to create a mud of disappointment all over my face. Like fire, I pushed out every hot word of hate until finally, I was empty. I could hear myself breathing heavily over the phone. Mom didn’t say a word. I had stopped walking. I stopped thinking, I just stopped. 

I waited. I knew that when she was this quiet for this long that she was no longer talking to me. She was talking to Him. She was asking my father what to do with me. She was waiting for the Holy Spirit to provide for me. So, I waited as well. Finally, slowly, quietly, and deliberately, she spoke. 

“ Jo, I just really believe you know exactly what you are supposed to be doing. God has already showed you, but that you aren’t wanting to say it out loud.” That’s not what I expected to hear. I sobered up pretty quick. I wiped the mud from my face and took a big breath. The gears of my mind started cranking. ‘I already know? What does she mean? What does He mean?' She continued to remind me that Satan doesn’t fight back unless  there is a good reason. She pointed out the lies in my story. Lastly, she reminded me of a statement we often say in our family. “Satan is the author of lies. A lie is the opposite of the truth. Therefore, whatever lies he tells me, the exact opposite is true." She pointed out that this looked exactly like an elaborate distraction. 

She stopped for a moment and at this point I was starting to process. What if what she was saying was true? Well, that would mean I did not go the wrong direction, but that I was exactly where I was supposed to. I was not 10 years further from my purpose, but it was so close that I was about to run into it. If that's true, then what was I just thinking, just doing, just feeling before this tidal wave hit? I thought through the last two hours of walking, and I recalled my daydreaming. My mind had been working out the numbers, dimensions, and the week by week schedule for building a chicken coop. haha See, I had just returned from Migori, and my family friends were struggling. 

Ten years ago, they had a prospering farm and their family was thriving. Now, they are barely surviving. They had to sell the cow, eat the chickens, and cut down on their farmland. Dad retired but the company went bankrupt, so he lost his pension. None of the boys and their families can find work so they just survive. The whole family gathers their pennies to just get the children to school. I called my friend Brandy when I returned to the city. I had him walk me through the last ten years. I asked him dozens of questions about their current t opportunities and resources. I also grew up in an extremely rural small town in the middle of the country. I was an officer in the FFA every year in school, and I worked in livestock and farming throughout the community. So, when my friends who had a farming business were struggling, I felt like this was familiar territory that I could possibly lend a hand in. This is the same thing that I also do for businesses. So, when I saw that my family friends were struggling, I naturally fell into contractor mode and started to assess and analyze. 

Somehow, I forgot all of this. I didn't realize that these thoughts consumed my mind. It’s almost like the humming of a truck while you drive the interstate. It’s constantly moving, working, and the gears are turning. But, it’s like background noise. It isn’t until the truck stops that you recognize the silence. I felt like my conversation with Mom slowed me down enough to listen. She helped me to connect the dots. If I was there for a purpose, then nothing is by chance. If nothing else by chance, then what purpose does this road block have in my story? I spoke out loud as my thoughts trailed back to Migori. Then, my mom asked me a pretty powerful question.

She asked, what if all of the businesses in Mombasa dried up? What if every opportunity to do trainings with them was gone by tomorrow at noon and no other prospects we’re on the table? How would you feel? 

I wasn’t sure where she was going with this, but I thought about what that would mean to me. It would suck, but it would not be the end of the world. I’ve watched things shut down around me again and again. I’ve had to restart more times than I can count. If things dried up in Mombasa tomorrow, and I could never return, I would just start again somewhere new.

She listened quietly. Then she asked, what if last week was the last time he would ever see the Brandy family? What if you never went back again?

My heart dropped like a 10 pound anchor. I felt my throat choke up and my eyes started pouring. I exclaimed, “ That’s not OK. There’s got to be a way. That would break me. I love this family as if they were my own and I have the ability to help them. I can’t just leave them behind. They are my family." 

I could hear her smile across the phone, “Well Joelle, that’s where your heart is.” This was not a oh wow moment. I knew this family and their community had my heart. But I also knew, the plans and ideas that I had for this family were for a better lack of words, small. I came to Kenya to find a place of growth and opportunity. I am connecting to large businesses here. If I could train them, then I could reach thousands. Yet, if I helped one family, in the middle of a village, my impact would be so small. You may think this is heartless of me, however, I’m not pursuing large numbers for pride or accomplishment sake. I am wanting to make the largest and most long lasting impact possible. This has been my goal for some time. 

I explained to Mom that results could take generations. She asked if I was in a hurry. 

I said that the impact would be limited to a few. She asked if a few was enough for Jesus. 

I pointed out that sustainability would be difficult since big businesses are where the money is? She asked if I went to Kenya to make money. 

I laughed. Money had never been a primary goal. However, I’ve learned through the years that while the heart is vital, revenue keeps the heart pumping. I rebutted, if the people I’m working with cannot fund this initiative, I would need to depend on investors and investors require data. How am I supposed to collect data on projects that are projected to have 10 year plus returns? People would need to invest before they ever thought about seeing returns. That’s not how business works. We may not be able to see anything for 10 years, and when we do see a difference it may only be with a few. She said not everyone will want to support this cause, but there are people out there who want to invest in something exactly like this. She took a serious tone and said, "signed me up for five." I asked her for five of what?  She replied, "I want to buy the first five chickens." 

I thought back to my fundamental goals in this initiative. Sustainability, impact, and to use my skill set. Yet, I’m gonna be completely honest, there was a part of my pride that spoke up. Was I ready to make that shift? I left my small town community to go off and get an education. I have a masters degree and experience working with some of the best professionals in my industry. I have experience in state organizations, corporations, and nonprofits. How would I feel about myself if I invested the next 30 years of my life into an initiative that impacted 5 to 10 people? I was afraid. What if I poured out everything and there was no change. I wasn’t scared of making a small impact. I was scared that if I invested in a few, I ran a higher risk of making no impact at all. 

Mom said when I spoke about Migori, there was a flame. She wanted to buy the first five chickens right away. If I were to tell this family's story, maybe others would feel the same. I thought back to my mom‘s life story. There were so many mentors that spoke into her life. However, it was the individuals who really delved in, invested, and walked with her through the years that made a difference. She reminded me that God would take care of the resources and the impact as long as I followed my heart. That is how he has always guided me. She said, "You are not the same person that you were 10 years ago. And you are not lost at all. You know exactly where you are going and what you are supposed to be doing. God has been growing a seed in you since you first dreamed of Africa in eighth grade. He will continue to guide you as you walk forward."

I knew that she was right. I knew that God was speaking. I knew that this made no sense, it defied all of my rules for sustainability, but that it was exactly what I was supposed to do. I hailed another Tuktuk who offered a fair price right away. I made it to my meeting with Brandi‘s uncle. It turns out he is a big-time lawyer in the city. I poured out my heart and told him what I planned on doing. He had no idea that this plan was forged through the recent three hour journey to get to him. I spoke as if it was the truth that had been established in my heart for the past ten years. Because, in truth, it felt like it had been. Everything about this felt right. I was ready.